I am a Christian but had issues sinning deliberately against the holy spirit due to something that I felt hurt by god for 2 years. I've become defective in my sanctification. In the way sin is being dealt with by the spirit it is not the same.
Now when I am living through things second by second I'm already sinning it's like when you deliberately sin every second. If you were to deliberately sin right now every passing second. That's what is happening for me now even when I'm doing nothing. I'm committing sins in my mind and heart without trying. I am no longer able to capture a threshold for retaining my sanctification. My sins have taken over. Every second that passes that's what it's like there is a deliberate sinning feeling (as in the sins are happening out of control) without the spirit bringing sanctification from it where I feel relief suppression or even forgiveness from the sins. The bible says that If we confess our sins we are cleansed from the unrighteousness. What's eery is that these sins running out of control as a result of my deliberate disobedience are not being cleansed because they keep happening in the way I described (unsuppressed sins running free without me having warning that a sin will happen) hence why I am convinced they are unforgiven.
(It's as if my faith has lost its worth because I can no longer suppress my sins) I am carrying an uncleansed spirit or a spirit that is engulfed in an extreme level of an 'automatic' feeling of transgression that feels like it is 'haunting' my conscience.
The sins are running over the sanctification It's like when you are a Christian having a blanket of sanctification or purification that has rule over and suppresses the sin which is what we have in Christ so that we don't sin.
But ever since I deliberately sinned against the spirit it's the other way round where now sin is blanketing the sanctification.
As if I have extinguished the spirit.
There are many verses such as
Do not quench the Spirit.
Clarke Commentary
Verse 19. Quench not the Spirit. — The Holy Spirit is represented as a fire, because it is his province to enlighten and quicken the soul; and to purge, purify, and refine it. This Spirit is represented as being quenched when any act is done, word spoken, or temper indulged, contrary to its dictates. It is the Spirit of love, and therefore anger, malice, revenge, or any unkind or unholy temper, will quench it so that it will withdraw its influences; and then the heart is left in a state of hardness and darkness. It has been observed that fire may be quenched as well by heaping earth on it as by throwing water on it; and so the love of the world will as effectually grieve and quench the Spirit as any ordinary act of transgression.
I threw water on it and quenched it so to speak to the point I have been taken over by sinful actions almost as if 'posessed' by them in a somewhat unredeemable or uncontrollable way. All kinds of sins are being committed before I even have a chance to stay sanctified from them. My sanctification process has become defective.
26If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” d and again, “The Lord will judge his people.” e 31It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
Hebrews 10: 26-31
Do I feel like I am expecting terrifying judgement? I do…
Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
James 1:15
There is a line drawn where we can lose salvation
What I am experiencing is unexplainable and nowhere in the bible can I draw on answers to what I am going through other than to conclude to these passages.
I am unable to get rid of the way my sin is overrunning and overruling it is not being 'forgiven' the pattern is underlying as has become a stain to my Spirit
Jeremiah 2:22
“For though you wash yourself with lyeAnd use much soap,The stain of your guilt is [still] before Me [and you are soiled and dirty],” says the Lord God.
Many passages ring true I feel stained by this guilt I do not feel forgiven
(Verse on unforgivable sin)
The bible verses fit in perfection to what In explaining.
Many people have told me I cannot lost my salvation or that the bible verse means something else. Is anyone else going through what I am going through. I feel people would need to experience what it is like so they would know because I can't be guaranteed that what is being said by others is true.
I need to understand from god himself and from my actual own experiences what is happening I must say I disagree with people's interpretation of these verses that say I am safe. I even had dreams on the day this happened where god said I lost my salvation.
People may argue well god is being faithful and helping
The bible says if we are faithless he remains faithful
There are times I don't feel this this sin take over and that's when my mind is on Philippians 4:8 (pure things) but then it comes back like a dam being opened and all of it comes flooding in again. It is not controllable like it comes and goes when it pleases. If this is sin happening and not a feeling then I have no way if getting rid if it it's become permanent now.
I even have times where I have that happening whilst other sins I'm actually battling come in. In other words two realms of sin at the same time the one which feels unforgiven and the other which I'm actually battling.
I know Im not a pastor but I ask that those who are teaching me please understand from my perspective of what I being taught I also feel the answers aren't helping me that I'm getting. I want to know the truth. I am not feeling freedom I'm an in a bondage to this particular sin rampage (it's like having the same record play over and over again except it's in transgressional state. This feels like unforgiveness) it will not go away.
Sometimes things do end up ok and I'm actually able to overcome sin but other times I cannot anymore. It's also getting worse. Now I'm unable to dismiss thoughts I have. Ivee worked against the spirit multiple times and each time there has been a permanent effect as in there is a sin nature that is fixated in me in regards to the growing capacity it isn't sanctified (It feels like an innate permanent descruction is slowly happening to my Spirit each time I revisit my rebellion) anymore where things are getting worse and worse.
The holy spirit also once confirmed that I did indeed become inredeemable (I felt that message come from the spirit itself)
'There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.'
Proverbs 14
EDIT I sinned against the spirit through a more recent defiance and that has caused the resistance of sin to be almost impossible now. People still are telling me I haven't committed the unforgivable sin but feel the holy spirit has been telling me I have because I feel that and I felt it withdrawing from me where now sin and purity have actually melded and the sin has taken almost full reign.
My prayer is to know the truth so I am definitive about if I have truly lost my salvation and a definitive knowledge by god himself. Even though god is still being faithful I feel stuck in this condition. I don't know what to think. I need to finalize this and know the truth.
